writing from the end of the world (i accidentally thought my shift was an hour earlier than it was and now i’m trapped in washington square park)

it is very cold and i am typing this from my phone so please excuse any notable typos or fucked up formatting.

weird week, weird winter. last time i posted i was off my meds and now i’m back on them. all that time i was off them is a blur. all that’s clear is the time now. went to a weird weird weird event because i want to say YES to everything. felt out of place and odd and a little bit like very ornate wallpaper. i was not in on the joke. went to work. went out after work. crouched on the floor of dream baby bar to hide from the security cameras. got 2am mcdonalds in the snow. argued with roommates about what makes a song sad. sent in grad school applications. a mundane life.

being on the fringes of art scene events is very strange. this happens to me often, because i’m incredibly shy (nobody believes me but it’s true). i sit in corners silently and stare. this is off-putting so nobody approaches me. i try to be less off-putting by going on my phone but this makes me look aloof. so i don’t meet anybody or make any connections like i’m supposed to.

maybe this is a good thing because i wasn’t a fan of most of it. i know you’re not supposed to say that, but it just wasn’t my thing. i hate comedy and i’m not as into the off-color joke thing as everyone else is right now. so i miss a lot. there was a beautiful dance performance, though. i love dance and dancers and i don’t think enough people appreciated her beautiful work. i think the bravest thing you can do is dance in front of an audience. and the most vulnerable.

i’m going to get hypothermia from sitting out here but i don’t really have another choice. it definitely feels lonely. i do like people watching, though. habits from years of acting school. you get used to watching people, analyzing their every move, trying to glean everything you can from them so you can steal it for the stage.

i’ve been thinking a lot about acting recently because i don’t do it anymore. i say i don’t do it anymore but i probably do it all the time like everyone else. i wasn’t a good actor, and i’m still not.

this blog post is a whole lot of nothing, but what else can you do when you’re trapped in this park for another hour?