I FEEL LIKE I’M BEING SHOCKED IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR EVERY TWO MINUTES!!!
sadly, no fiction today. i have not written lately as i am currently going through severe withdrawals from my antidepressants. lol. this was an accident, because i left them in pennsylvania by mistake and will not receive them for another three days, so i’m resigned to nausea, dizziness, heart palpitations, the dreaded brain zaps, and an overwhelming sense of doom. i can’t do anything but lie down in various spots in my apartment and watch absolute slop (love island australia has been a godsend in these trying times). so, a blog post for today.
on sunday morning i vomited so hard i saw stars and i thought i was just hungover. then it hit me: i left my meds at home. i was going to suffer for days. it feels like it’s been a month already but it’s only really been three days of this so far. i manage to do about one Good Thing a day: budgeting, cleaning the dishes, paying the rent. after that, i’m useless. right now i’m writing this so i don’t vomit again.
i go from so hot i need to take off all my clothes in the living room immediately to freezing cold and buried under no less than five blankets in the span of a heartbeat. i feel incapable of conversation but my roommates are very chatty these days. i love them, but i can’t explain to them what i’m experiencing, so i just sit in silence and listen.
the weird pivot in the 2020s to getting off meds is so disheartening to me because we seem to have reverted back to the belief that chemical imbalances and brain structures are fake and gay and actually you’re depressed BECAUSE of your meds/the phone/whatever. i read this and laugh. my dad went through electroshock therapy when i was nine because he had treatment-resistant chronic major depressive disorder and passed it on to me. you bitches want me to go off my meds so i kill myself.
speaking of irritable things, i am a bit glad to have an excuse not to go to book club, which is rare for me. i love my book club. it is the best place for conversation and meeting cool people who are not braindead. however, the response to the recent read is… confusing to me. picking a major feminist work just to freak out about nambla and have another lavender scare? a bit odd, doll! why does it all come back to allen ginsberg and the fear of the homosexual pedophile! we are not as progressed in society as we think. i was ready to debate and whatever but reading through the groupchat actually makes me want to cry/scream/kill myself. everyone is sooooooo scared of The Gays…………
what else is new? nothing really. i still live paycheck to paycheck but at least my paychecks are better. i greened out on the streets of manhattan two weeks ago and thought i was going to die. a nice young person stopped because i was sat on the sidewalk near the amc doing deep breathing exercises and asked me if i was okay. people do still care, at least. i made it to the movies but i didn’t understand a thing. drugs are #socool until you’re panicking on the sidewalk convinced you’re about to die. oh, and my dealer is ghosting me, so no one has to deal with me being a raging bitch until i find a new one. is 2026 the year of sobriety?
i do nothing of substance anymore. i’m reduced to a shell of a person without my medication. funny how people say it’s the medication zombifying people. they should try quitting cold turkey and see how they feel after that.
going to illegally watch the new knives out movie and probably cry. peace out, girl scouts.
