where can a girl even schizpost anymore??????

i’m at work and typing this while my boss is busy, so if it suddenly cuts off, that’s why!

my friend told me a horrifying story yesterday. the gist was that a guy they had previously been seeing had gone on a podcast and told the whole online audience that he never respected, cared for, or liked my friend (without using their name). YIKES! this is my worst fear in magnified form. i am constantly convinced everyone secretly hates me, which has gotten worse since i’ve returned from my artist residency. i feel like i probably don’t have any friends anymore (except for my friends from college, who are my ride or dies). like all the people i’ve met in new york have been waiting for a chance to get rid of me. i’m great at finding shreds of evidence, like unreplied texts or weird comments. i am the master of making that a self-fulfilling prophecy by becoming needy and desperate and texting more and calling more and being generally crazy.

to cure some of my neuroses, i started posting on craigslist. this had the opposite effect, as when i would get no responses i would feel even crazier. i deleted all social media from my phone and so can’t use those platforms to be insane. where’s left? just this blog. it’s so easy to be neurotic on a blog no one reads! (if you do read this… lol sorry) i also started sending myself messages on signal because they disappear eventually. i feel completely unhinged, basically. most normal people would keep a journal, but i hate writing things down.

i was also asked to produce a short film. this is great except i have never done that before. today i storyboarded it. i am not an artist. i also don’t know how i can network, seeing as i am verifiably insane and off-putting to talk to, but we’ll see how it goes!

okay. boss is coming back. bye!